sallie mae, my new best frienemy

I've been having mild panic attacks for the last three days. My imminent graduation means one major thing: I am being faced with the repayment of my student loans. This is my first foray into the inevitable land of American debt; yes, I have a small car payment and a little bit of credit card debt, but nothing major, nothing that causes me to wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. I was fortunate enough to have a large scholarship to my undergrad, and my father paid the difference so that I didn't once worry my pretty little head about money during college. Grad school is a different story. As most of you know, Northwestern is not a cheap school, nor were they generous in giving me much help (that didn't have to be paid back). Saturday I had to attend a "loan exit interview", where they spewed information at me, none of it good news, while I sat wondering why I didn't choose that certain school in Ohio who offered me a full scholarship -- oh, because it's in the middle of cornfields to which I have no intention of returning, the teachers sucked, and the program wasn't so hot either. But oh, sweet Lord, how wonderful it would have been not to spend the next twenty-five years of my life sweating out these loan payments. I can just see myself as a fifty-year old woman, hair graying, voice starting to give way to menopause -- making that last payment on my loans and pouring myself a stiff drink to celebrate.

Unlike all those MBA students who sat next to me in that loan exit interview, I'm not jumping onto a rung of the corporate ladder in a Fortune 500 company, soon to make six figures. I've got two singing gigs in the next nine months, which is more than lots of my classmates, but the pay is shitty and the time committment is such that I won't be able to get a permanent day job that would award me benefits and a salary that would help me get by. But how can I pass up a gig that I've worked so hard to get for a secratary job that will pay the bills? It seems ridiculous to even have to make that decision. I know lots of singers who've passed up good singing gigs because their day job just won't allow them the time off -- a day job they can't survive without.

I know it's the way of the world, but I guess I'm wondering why it has to be so. Musicians are an important part of society, and a good bit of them do their jobs out of the goodness of their heart -- a heart that probably doesn't have health insurance and isn't a homeowner. It's unfortunate that fabulous talent goes to waste, all because a person decides (wisely) not to live the life of a pauper and finds a career that actually pays. I feel that something needs to be done, something more than a bunch of sopranos spending their twenties finding a Wall Street banker husband. I know there are people out there who are devoting their days to raising money for arts organizations, and I salute them. I just need to figure out how, as a young singer, I can make things better. There's got to be a way (that doesn't include turning tricks).